“Missing him was dark grey all alone…” -T.Swift

After a little bit of house cleaning, a shower, and heading to mass some things fell into place for me.

Whenever I’m feeling lingering sadness, I try to think of a time in my life where I was maybe in a similar situation and then link my present sadness with my past sadness as a way of telling myself, “You’ll get through this.” Today, it seems to have worked.

Courtesy of: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d4/4a/e9/d44ae97e7d324819378febfc8caf6e9b.jpg

Yet another Pinterest find that seems relevant to what I’m going through. I feel like these posts have been “all about me,” however, again, I feel like what I’m going through and how I’m dealing with things is pretty relevant to others.  So if someone can get something positive out of what I’m writing and the experiences I’m sharing, my job is finished.

So onto some of what was running through my mind.  I’ve been feeling this permeating sadness about dating for one reason or another and I started to think back to my senior year of college.

It was supposed to be the pinnacle of my college career and ended up being the worst instead.  A lot of it was self-imposed suffering.  I didn’t follow some really good advice from trusted advisors as far as classes I was taking the following year and ended up paying out the nose.  Not only did I try overloading myself academically, I was bulking up on extra-curricular activities that weren’t necessarily relevant,prepping for a graduate school admission’s test, trying to keep up with friends, and trying to date.  My relationship with my family was tenuous mostly because I was trying to do and commit to more than I was capable of handling.

As my world then was falling down around me, it was simultaneously pulling me closer and driving me away from the guy I was dating at the time. Someone close to me called it a pride thing, and maybe it was, but I desperately wanted to distance myself from him because I was overloaded with academics and other life events. I needed time to just focus on myself and do what I needed to get done.

In short, I wanted to break up, but didn’t know how to convey, explain, or tell him that I had other priorities and that I needed our dating relationship to be put on the back-burner.  It was sort of a “It’s not you it’s me,” sort of a situation. Plus throw in other drama surrounding our relationship as far as whether we were actually ” a thing,” and it just doesn’t make for a recipe for success.  Do you follow?

Even reflecting on what happened in that relationship 9 or 10 years later, it sort of just makes me sad because that was one dating relationship where I wanted everything to work out.  We had so much going on as friends and as a couple- common interests, familial understanding, shared characteristics as far as work ethic, personal drive and motivation…in the beginning it seemed like the relationship was meant to be.  However, after a year or so of making things work, we both mutually decided we were headed in different directions with our lives.

Sadly, on my end, I lost myself in our dating relationship.  The person I was dating was my priority and everything I had worked so hard at building academically and professionally got lost in trying to keep up with my present.  Not sure if this is making any sense, but everything was so black and white before I had met the guy I was dating, but as we progressed through our dating relationship, my world shifted off kilter. I started questioning what I was doing as far as career and whether the path I was on was correct or not; I didn’t have as much time for family and friends as I was used to having; and I was committing to things for experience rather than seeing how it fit into the bigger picture of my life.  I felt very much all over the place, while the person I was dating was strong, steady, and fully committed to his career path.

So basically I was developing into a hot mess, and all my career uncertainty plus some other issues that needed my attention at the time were driving us apart instead of letting us grow together.

I feel so selfish in a way, because looking back at that relationship, I feel like it was all about me and while he and I grew close as friends and as a couple, eventually I felt like I was dragging him down instead of pulling him up.  I didn’t know how or where he fit in the midst of all the uncertainty I was going through.

I guess, part of me felt undeserving of the great person who I was getting to know and I felt like less of an asset and more of a liability.  Which sounds so weird, but do you follow? I felt like he was dedicated and committed to making our relationship work, and I felt like while I wanted to be those two things too, I wasn’t because I had other priorities.

Anyways, we mutually ended things before spring break of my senior year. I had never felt more shattered. We discussed hanging out and spending time with each other, but when the commitment to a dating relationship is gone, eventually there isn’t any point to make time for each other. I may be wrong, but we started growing farther and farther apart.

I remember feeling totally destroyed and trying to present a strong front. Physically, I was the lightest I had been since high school because I was working out all the time, maybe to dull the pain.  My friend base, while there, wasn’t the same.  I had spent a lot of my free time with the guy I was dating, so building friendships back up after the fact, while ok, was kinda painful.  It was like starting all over again essentially.

However, what I remember most from that time of my life, was asking myself, when I was going to feel like myself again.  I had been so used to talking with my significant other almost everyday and then fading to basically nothing was tough.  I can’t say our talks were always the highlight of the day, but it was always a way for us to feel connected.  At times, I felt like I was trying to support him in certain ways, that I didn’t know how to ask him to support me in accomplishing what I needed to get done.  I felt like rather than focusing on what I needed to do, I lost myself in listening to what he was doing, rather than doing what I needed to get done.

Since it’s the new year, I should probably stay focused on getting what I need to do accomplished and maybe be content with the fact that in certain situations I did the best I could do considering the circumstances.

2016, I’m pretty positive you will be an amazing year…

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