This post should really be entitled, “Midnight Confessions.” However, I’m writing this post at least half an hour shy of midnight, but I think everyone gets the point.
I was thinking about writing in general and how much I love it. I’ve also been thinking about how much confidence writing has given me in terms of developing into the person I am.
If a person knows me, he or she would know that I tend to err on the quieter side. I can’t say that I’m not capable of being loud, but I tend to be reflective and I love to ruminate and roll what’s been going on around in my mind.
However, the main focus of the post is my writing and how it’s evolved.
It really started with me starting a blog my Freshmen year of college. It was a sort of “monkey see, monkey do” sort of activity. My cousins had blogs and some of my friends were starting to blog. It was the era of instant messaging, and blogging seemed like the perfect platform to express longer thoughts or it was a way to help me process and think through what I needed to do and what I was doing in a very visual, yet public way.
Long story short, I found my voice through writing that year. I’ve always written in one form or another privately, mostly with traditional pen and paper. However, blogging and even instant messaging was groundbreaking in a way for my writing. It gave me the ability to communicate, express, and swap thoughts, ideas, and support. It was a creative outlet.
Starting in middle school, when I received my first PC, I would write off and on. Instead of writing in a journal, which I tended to write and then tear out the pages I had written and then discard them…I started doing journal entries on my computer. They weren’t long or anything particularly creative, but it was a way for me to get my thoughts down and then take a step back and look at what was on my mind. Sort of like meta-cognating through typing.
In high school, my Mom gave me a journal. Honestly, I think it was her way of trying to connect with me. However, that writing, to me, ended up being a lot darker than I had intended it to be and eventually, I discarded that writing too. I kept a poem that summed up my thoughts perfectly, but that was probably the only actually piece of writing that survived my high school journaling.
With that being said, my writing definitely changed after or when I started blogging in college. It helped me to develop my own writing style and voice. My informal writing started to allow me to look back and appreciate different times of my life, the present, and the person I was becoming.
This isn’t meant to be self-adulating, my writing really isn’t that great, but I think how I put words together does resonate with people, especially people who know me and know me well.
That being said, after a tough first break-up, while I was still blogging, I also picked up one of my school notebooks and turned it into a personal journal the summer after my first year of college. I decorated it, took ownership, and made it my own. My only personal expectation was that I wouldn’t write anything dark in that journal.
I didn’t really write much in it after that summer, only here and there, and by that time, I had opened and closed a few different personal blogs and eventually I stuck with a personal blog that started spring of my sophomore year of college and I eventually shut it down towards the end of my junior year of college mostly for professional and personal reasons.
Shutting down that blog was probably the biggest mistake of my life. Mostly because it was my forum for openly, albeit vaguely expressing my thoughts and connecting myself to the present and with other people . Part of the reason why I stopped writing publicly, is because I thought it was time for me to grow up and speak up. I wanted to be able to verbally express what was going on in my mind. However, what I neglected to take into account was that blogging helped me to develop my thoughts and helped me to develop or figure out what I needed to say.
After a disastrous semester in the fall of my senior year of college, I started writing again with pen and paper. I finished the journal I had started the summer after my Freshmen year of college and started writing more in spiral notebooks. Not once did it occur to me to start blogging again at that time. All the writing I did was private. A lot of poetry, a lot of scattered thoughts, a lot of writing chaos.
After graduating from college, I started journaling, but this time on my laptop. I was dealing yet again, with another horrible break up. I was basically writing myself through the pain and I was in a dark place. A lot of my writing were letters to God, basically, crying out to be heard, but not knowing how to express all the darkness I was feeling in healthy ways.
It was rough. In the fall, I started classes again, and would randomly write on pieces of legal paper in between classes. I started journaling on paper strictly Bible verses that struck a chord within me. I rarely journaled my thoughts on paper.
I tried starting another blog the summer after I started taking classes again. It didn’t feel right, so I stopped. I kept journaling on my laptop, but not as frequently as I had the previous summer. I had gotten busy with life, classes, and an internship. I was putting my writing skills to use in other ways by that point.
To me, I think it’s interesting to look back and see how my writing has evolved. After a career transition, I started up this blog, and so far haven’t regretted it too much, although that remains to be seen. 😉 I know I haven’t been terribly consistent in keeping up with this blog, but I try to write as the mood strikes.
So here’s some kudos to writing in it’s different forms. Thank you for being my creative outlet and thank you for giving me the confidence to become the person I need to be.
Nothing wrong with being confident…;)